Memories

I recently rediscovered some of my clinical rotation musings. Enjoy...

||||4.7.10||||

Since my last writing I've moved from no longer wanting to be a surgeon to falling in love with pediatrics. I often wonder to what extent students' specialty decisions are influenced by their rotation experience. My pediatric experience was phenomenal. The most organized rotation I have seen yet. But more than the syllabus and organization of the rotation, were the people. For the first time, I saw myself in these attendings and residents. I saw qualities that are dear to me being reflected in these individuals -- advocacy, service, compassion. I saw an environment where residents and attendings shared mutual respect, not chilling fear or measured disdain. The atmosphere was one where I was always excited to be there, where I welcomed the challenge. Had I done my rotation elsewhere, would I have felt the same way about pediatrics?

Surgery

Today surgery began. The transition is bitter more than sweet. I remember dreaming of being a neurosurgeon when I was a child, writing about it in my personal statement for college. But now, it seems so far away. Medicine is a place where you find yourself. You spend a significant amount of time interacting with varying personalities, adjusting to new teams of people, new environments. You can never get too settled or too comfortable and so you're always forced to question, who you are, what you're about and to prove your worth, if not to anyone else, to yourself. And I find myself today, wishing I was still in internal medicine, wishing I had done more, taken more from the experience and dreading the famed personalities of the surgical house staff. Of course, waking up early is also not something I'm excited about, but that aside, I fear my laid back nature will be ruffled in the coming 12 weeks and I pray my soul can bear the struggle. I find myself, out of character and instead of being my usual optimistic self, I dread the coming weeks. I pray for blessings, peace and guidance in all my forthcoming doings.